Despite that I am bedridden and non-ambulatory, I am in good spirits. Why? I have my whole life ahead of me. I WILL get better and I WILL get stronger. With age comes experience and wisdom. I have more clarity to my life.
I think about what I learned this year. Know thyself. Go towards that. Who cares what other people think.
I want to be an artist.
I have had this on and off relationship with art. This past year made me really think about it. I am 40 years old. I am going to die. We all are going to die. I really want to be an artist with the time I have left. What does that mean? I want to express myself. Not for fame, not for monetary gain, just to express myself. I want to put art on my walls that I like. That’s why I want to make art.
Sharing your art is the price for making it. Exposing your vulnerability is the fee.- Rick Rubin
I think about this quote from The Creative Act by Rick Rubin a lot. I always fear this. This is one of those unique things that I cannot get away from. The ridicule or disapproval of my art has always been my biggest fear. Now is the time to face it.
I’ve never had this feeling in Jiu Jitsu or language learning. I’ve never associated those activities with me. It is just a skill that I do. If I am awful at it, it’s not a big deal. But with art or drawing. When ever I share this with an audience, I truly feel like I am bearing my soul. If people dislike it or make fun of it. They are doing that to me. That is the vulnerability of art. Despite, that is the feeling I get. I still want to make art.
How do I learn art?
I am an art school drop out. I am proud of that label. My favorite artists are art school drop outs; Dave Choe, James Gurney, Joe Bluhm, and many more. I dropped out of art school because they didn’t teach fundamentals. They taught abstract concepts that involved art. Which was good, but I wanted to make strong work. Now I know that fundamentals in drawing was what I need and want to continue to make art. I didn’t know that at the time. So how do I learn fundamentals in 2-d representational drawing? In my amateur opinion, an old school atelier. For example, Watts Atelier in Encinitas, California. They teach representational drawing with busts, casts, figure drawing in several mediums. This is something that I wanted to do for a long time. At the current moment, I do not have the funds or resources to make that move.
The alternative approach is that I teach myself. Which is the harder route. Without a mentor or guide in this journey, I will be struggling for a long time. That’s why I always gave up before. It is really difficult to grow as an artist without a community, a nurturing community. It is possible. I’ll give you one example. I learned jiu jitsu by myself.
Jiu Jitsu
I have been doing Jiu Jitsu for over 15 years. I did have teachers in Jiu Jitsu, but I did use agency to supplement my learning. I went to Jiu Jitsu camps, bought dvds, took notes, bought private lessons from instructors. I took my learning into my own hands. I can say that at this point, I am comfortable with my level. Am I unbeatable? No, of course not. Anyone can be beaten. I do have a depth of understanding and a philosophy that I feel strongly about. 10 years ago, I was hungry for knowledge and skill.
I am a brown belt. There is still so much to learn. I will not stop learning, but the hunger to beat people has left me. I suppose that comes with age. I stopped caring about achieving the rank of black belt. What matters more than that your belt color is growth, depth of understanding, and proficiency of skill.
I will not quit Jiu Jitsu, but it will not consume me as it once did. It is an excellent form of exercise and good thing to bring with you when you travel. Anne Lamott said this about writing.
I’m good at it and I like it.
It will be the same reason why I continue to do it. I will take the things from my jiu jitsu journey and apply it to art. Investment in time, money and other resources.
Conclusion
I want to be an artist. I have to teach myself. I will take the lessons from my jiu jitsu journey to become a better artist.
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